Waiting

I am coming to the close of my tenure in undergraduate bible college. It has been a long time coming, at least for me. For five years I have lived in the same dorm, on the same floor, and for three of those years in the same room. Now life rears its ugly head around the corner, calling me to something new and different. As I look back on my five years at OCC I am glad to have made the choice I made to study here. Graduation day will be a day of sweet good-byes. It has been at OCC that my thinking has matured, that my abilities to decipher God's word have been honed, and that I have developed many eternal relationships that I would trade nothing for. There has been a lot of good come to my life because of OCC.

But, I am also anxious, and yes it is probably sinful. I am anxious about going through another cycle of meeting new people. I am anxious about finding a 'job' and a place to live. I am anxious about leaving the security of familiarity for the frontier of the unknown. I am anxious thinking that I have to face this journey alone. No doubt God is with me, but that is just it, it is me and God. Certainly enough, but still there is a longing for something, more.

The anxiety I feel over making these 'life decisions' is coupled with an anxiety toward what I leave behind. I worry that the investments that I have made in people in the last five years will vanish. I fear that the fragile balance that I leave certain issues like dorm life and the state of Christ's Church of Perseverance will enevitably crumble. I fear this, not because I doubt the fortitude and wisdom of those I leave behind, but because of the poor state I leave things. I fear that my legacy (if one can use such a word) will be that he left things in a bind. Then I ponder and think that this might be how I leave everything, in a state of chaos. What if everything I touch turns to rubble? What if I have the opposite of the midas touch?

These fears and anxieties flow in like the gentle waves of the ocean's tide. Slowly the creep up on me, gently they move in, until I am finally soaked to the bone in worry and despair. In times like this I hear the words of Paul, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which transcends understanding shall keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." But sometimes I don't believe those words. Sometimes the worry and despair flow over the confidence of believe and trust. Where does one turn when worry outweighs trust? How does one find confidence in the midst of anxiety?

Isaiah's call, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee; because he trusteth in thee" rings but my heart and soul don't feel it. I know cognitavely that everythign will be okay, but my soul cries different. The consoloation of those who have their plans already made mean little, to those who wait in pain.

So I guess I pray. I guess I focus on God. I guess I try to trust. It is hard. It is not fun. I guess I serve. I guess I talk, even though the answers seemingly never come. I listen. Knowing that the prophet's call is true. Knowing that Paul's challege will bring joy. I wait. I wait. I wait.